Enter At Your Own Risk

I'm bored. And apologizing in advance. For what? For what's about to happen. I thought maybe we could take a little trip. If you can keep up. Please notice the red flashing neon “Abrasive Language Warning” sign overhead before entering. This way. Right here. Look here. Please read this sign with me before we go in for a walk around. "This, is, all, in, fun." Very good. You can read. And follow instructions. That might come in handy later. Right now you have one last chance to escape. I mean leave. I'll count to ten. One. Too. Late. You're mine. I couldn't count to ten. I told you you had one last chance. Step through the curtain and we can begin. I guess we already did. No not passed through the curtain. I'm still holding it for you aren't I? I meant our trip. We've haven't even started yet and you're falling behind. Ok. You're right. I did say we already started. Can we go now? Thank you. This way. Listen. Have you ever tried to figure out whether it's the "s" or "c" that's silent in "scent?" I did. But what do I know? I'm just your guide. I think. Why'd you make that face?  Where are we going? I don't know I just got here myself. But if you start having a panic attack just put this brown paper bag over your mouth. And drink all the bourbon in it. It should help. You think this might be a bad idea? That doesn't mean it won't be a good time. It's too late anyways. We're too deep now into it now. Did you just stumble? Kind’a funny if you think about it. What? That face again. You don’t like to think? Sorry. It does show. But if you think about it. Oh stop moaning! Can I finish? If I think about it. You’re welcome. What was I talking about? No not thinking. Oh! I have thought about it and I have found that no matter where I go there I am so how can I ever be sure where the here is? Thank you It is funny. Kind of. You know what wasn't funny? When I got pulled over and the cop tells me, "You're eyes are red. Are you high?" I asked him, "You're eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Well yeah it is funny but he didn't think so. What’s that over there? Let's get going.  Hey! What's that? That light! How can you not see it? I know it’s small but it is dark in here. We could fit through here! It is tight. If we could squeeze through this opening maybe we could finally see what the hell's going on. Ya think? Sorry. No? I see that. You do have a fat ass. Anyways. I stick my head in sometimes. Why are you smiling like that? No I wasn't talking about your ass! Sometimes I stick my head through these light holes! Try to keep up. Why? Just to take a look around. Kind’a cool knowing what’s going on some. I really don't wanna go through there either. I’ve never seen this one. One spot there'll git'cher ass scratched fer sure. What's a fer sure? I'm not sure. I should look it up. Tomorrow. Right now I'm bored. And apologizing in advance. For what? For what's about to. Wait. Weren’t we here already? We were! That was kind of like today being yesterday’s tomorrow. Or is it today is tomorrow’s yesterday? I can’t remember. I was going to get some memory improving pills yesterday but. I forgot. But since yesterday was today's tomorrow the day before that, if I get them tomorrow it would be yesterday's today two days after that. So whenever I do get them did I really forget? What? I’m making your head hurt? We just got started too. Sorry. I thought you'd like it. Try the brown paper bag. Yes this is where most people start using it. Whoa! Take it easy! Does anyone in my family suffer from mental illness? What kind of question is that?! Of course not! We all seem to rather enjoy it. Hey! There's a canyon. Let's go over there. Looks cool. Check it out. The yellow lines? On the ground? It's not a wall. I dunno. Does it matter? Slow down a bit. Careful leaning over. Yeah it's gotta be a quarter mile drop. Hey! You know what would be cool? Let's jump! Yeah?! OK. We don't know where we are anyways. Maybe here's down there. On the count of three? I'll count. One. Two. STOP! What are you doing?! Were you gonna jump?! Yeah, yeah, I know it was my idea I was joking ya dumb cluck! Good lord! If Jesus himself wouldn't jump what makes you think you'd survive?! If everybody jumped off a... wait that don't work here. You'd be in with the everybody! It is broke. Ehh. I'll fix it. When? I don't know. A couple of days before tomorrow? Where were we? No we're not jumping! Quick! Look here! See the sparkly stuff? Yes, yes... this way. Follow the sparkaly stuuufff. Wow you're locked in. Where's that yellow line? We should be safe past it. Yep there it is. Come here. Cool. You should be ok now. Whoa! See that?! Stay outta them yellow footprints! Right there! Watch it! You're almost in them! Get over here! Damn that was close. You don't want to get in those. You'll get yer ass kicked for thirteen weeks fer sure believe me I know! Really? I just told you I’m not sure what a fer sure is. You were gonna look up it yesterday. Remember? I didn't tell you! Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian. Seemed the least I could do for the poor critter. Thank you. It was kind, wasn't it? You were saying? Why did I step in them footprints? No there wasn't any sparkly stuff around them. Just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.You should stay out them. Why? One. You don’t like to think. Two. You’ve got a fat ass. And three you’re always drooling. You wouldn't make it just on your boot picture alone. You should do something. About one of them anyways. I did you a favor. And the footprints too. But what are we supposed to be going right now? That made you stumble? Ha! I know. Sorry. Oh yeah. We’re on a trip. Let’s go this way. Why are you looking at me like that? If I had a mirror I'd show you. Almost cross eyed and that big goofy smile. Creeps me out. Is that spinach? You're too close to me. Back up. What? You’re tripping? You should have told me that earlier! I’ll try to keep on eye on you but I make no promises. Except for one. I promise not to make any promises. To any of the three sexes. No three. The male sex, the female sex and insects. You liked that? Really? Wow. It's old as fu... Wow! Caught it. What? I think I got too close to the yellow footprints. You've heard "old as fudge" before? Ok. We'll go with that. Where you raised deprived? Why?! It's just that fudge never had a chance to get old around me. But since you're tripping let me ask you something. Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards makes backwards sentences saying how crazy it is? It is crazy! And backwards? It is! You've got a point there. But if you put a hat on nobody'll notice. You're tripping again? Don’t I ever trip? Not since the 70’s. Not that tripping? Oh-you-mean-laughing?! You were laughing about the “here” joke? It wasn’t that funny! And it's way back there! You’re too close again. Ya know what would be nice? Kick off our shoes, have a beer, look at the walls. Watch paint dry. If there was any walls in here. And I don’t paint There’s no beer. I see you’re barefoot. Never mind. Clip those nails. Pop those blisters. Oops. Sorry. Couldn't help it. You know what sucks? Ok I will tell you. How tough it is gettin' a good piece of ass in here. Not that I need one. I ain't a rancher. I got no coyote problem. Or care. What? What did you think I meant? You sick pup! I'd never call a woman that! You thought I was talking about a girlfriend? No! That would be nice though. No not calling my girlfriend a piece of ass. That’s not cool! Would you keep up?! Me having a girlfriend. Seems like it’s always the same thing though. Yeah you know. At first it's all like love and kisses and then I find myself slumped over from boredom on the couch and they'll all like, "Can I get you something?" "Can I get you a sandwich." "Can I get you a beer?" "Do you need a back rub?" and I like straighten up right away and say, "Hell yeah!!!" Like that ever happened. But then they always get tired of me picking up and cleaning after them anyways and split. Like that ever happened. It does suck. You know what else sucks? Vacuums. But they're supposed to. I did learn one thing though. No not about sucking. About women. That you can tell a lot about them by their hands. Like. If they're wrapped around your throat? She's probably pissed off. You’re looking for a special friend? I tried to make friends once. But I failed genetics in college. I shouldn't ask but why would sucking make you think of that? Ok. A "special friend." I was right. I shouldn't've asked. Just never mind. Good luck. Really. You just may need all the help you can get. Now why in the hell would I need or even want to know you pulled your nose hairs and shaved your nipples for this? You save them?! No I don’t want to see them! Are you kidding me?! Don’t mind me saying this but. Ya’ll need Jesus. You’ve heard of him? Well that’s a start anyways. He is cool. And like I said. You could use all the help you can get. I could help there. Maybe. If you back up. Let’s go over there. Smells really swampy. Or is that you? Huh! There's three doors. Let’s look in the left one. You only see two? There's three. Trust me. Oh-oh. You better hurry up some. I don't think I can stop it. Oh hell. I can't stop it. QUIT DRAGGING YOUR FAT ASS! Sorry. Told you to hurry. I do feel better. Thank you. It did get you moving. Ok. Open it just a little. Just so we can look. Wow! That’s a lot of heat coming out of there! Look at this! There’s a dragon lady spewing blue fire and spawning tornadoes of bullshit flapping her wings from the center! Wow! Over there! Look at that huge pile of money they don’t have and showering minions with pennies! Why is everybody spontaneously screaming, “Racist!”? It’s like whack-a-mole! And over there! OMG they’re killing babies!  Close the door! Hurry up! Whew! That was nuts! You don’t want to open another door? I gotta! Over there. To the right. Come on. It doesn’t smell so bad over there. Still swampy though. Speaking of which. My friend had his water shut off for not paying the bill. Remind me to send him a "get well" card, will ya? Ready? I’m just opening enough for us to look in. But you can back up. Thank you. Ready? You're not looking. It’s ok. Really. You don’t want to look? Are you shaking?! Calm down. I’ll tell you. Looks boring in here. Smells musty. Bless you. Lots of muffled voices. Can't make anything out. That snoring is aggravating. You snore like that? Why would I need to know that? Why would I need a warning? Just forget it. I don't wanna know. May I continue? Thank you. The red banner looks corroded. Like no one’s gave 2 sparrows in a hurricane for a long time. Honestly I don’t know what that means either. I just made it up. On the fly. Everyone’s just laying around. Their asses are fatter than yours. It looks like someone put a mannequin in the center. Looks like it’s melting. No. Wait. It moved. It’s just a really old guy.  Looks lethargic. Not sure. No not the geezer. What “lethargic” means. You don’t know either? Really?! I was just kidding. No I do know what lethargic means. What was I kidding about? I was joking about the geezer! No! He is lethargic! He’s a joke! Why am I surprised after walking you all the way through that, that you wouldn’t get it?! Not even a smile?! Anyways. Quit touching yourself. Did I tell you I know this guy that designed a new blender? It is good for him. But. He’s been getting mixed results. This place is boring. It's like a funeral in there. They aren't cheap. I know. Did you hear? Funeral parlors just jacked up their prices recently. Yeah. They blame it on the cost of living. You're feeling better? Are you ok? Cool. You should get up now. Here. Take my hand. You're welcome. Let's check out the third door. Are you shaking again? What's wrong? Yes I did say there was three doors. Why? There's no middle door? Why do you keep getting so close to me? Is there supposed to be a middle door? There are three doors. I can see there's no middle door. One, two, three yes. I know. Are you getting upset? Because I thought I seen a little smoke coming out of your ears. Where's the brown paper bag? Gone?! All of it?! After the first door? While I was telling you about the second door? I do understand. You need to do something. Go get that ladder. Yeah that one over there. Put it right here. Let's make sure it's All Secure Sir!. Geeze. I did it again. Now look up. I saw you smile. It is the third door. We're the middle. You like that huh? I thought you didn't want to look in any more doors. OK but I'm going up first. Why? Think about the view I'd have. It's ok. Let's go. I'll wait til you get up on this whatever it is before I open the door. Careful. The legs on the ladder are bending a little. You better geT yoUR Fat ASS UP HERE NOW! Oops. Sorry. It just comes up at times. If I start turning green that's normal. No, literally. It's the yellow footprints. No you don't want to get in them. Would you stop looking at me like that and get over here? And quit touching yourself. How did you do that trying to get over here from there at the same time? That's a stretch. Took you long enough. Are you gonna look this time? Back up. Sshh. Here we go. Huh? Is there anyone in here? Oh. Over there. Wow! That’s beautiful! How do they make light red, white and blue all the same all at the time?! I like it too. It smells so refreshing in here. Speaking of which. You really should’ve showered when you were shaving your nipples. I mean. Really. Glad you're downwind of this fresh breeze. Everybody's working in here. They do have nice stuff. Everybody's behaving. Maybe cuz everybody's packing. No not a fat ass. That's not what that means. I'd like to but I'm not sure you should know. They seem happy. That music? Let me listen. Sounds like they’re singing about a yankee. Doodled. Candy. I don’t know what that means either. Do you see the size of that army over there? Wow! No one’s in the center there. Over there. In the center. It’s a document. Those folks are talking about a “constitution.” Maybe that’s what it is. They’re talking about freedom. Sounds nice, huh? Looks like no one’s listening to them. It is a shame. But let’s go. Where? How should I know? Back down might be a good start. You coming? I'm supposed to go first. No the view doesn't matter this time. I thought I was leading this escapade. No I don’t have a Nissan. I did have a truck but wrecked it. I was ok thanks. The truck? It had too much ram. Not enough dodge. Go ahead. I'm down. No I won't catch you if you fall. Why not? Really?! You think the last thing I wanna see in this life is your fat ass about to crush me?! I don't care if it's gotta be something. It ain't gonna be that! You'd be ok anyways. If you keep your legs up. Might take a while to quit bouncing but you'd be ok. You feel better? Good. Get on the ladder. You’re drooling again. Geeze it just missed me! And how do you do that?!  Some things I just don't get. Like a few days ago I farted on my wallet right? The next day I had gas money! I know, right? Welcome back. Yes in the middle. You liked that didn't you? Three doors without a middle? I can tell. Your ears were smoking though. Might get that checked. What’s that over there? Looks like yellow footprints. With sparkly stuff around them. Hey! Get back here! Are you tripping?! You’d fold on the first day! Do you want to turn green?! I didn't think so. It’s ok. You’re welcome. What? You started taking origami classes at a studio. Cool. How’d it go? It folded? Oh man. That sucked! Yes like a vacuum. Wait. We were here before. A vacuum’s supposed to suck. You got me. Or did you? Hmmm. Hey! You stop right there! Step back. Thank you. I did say "you got me." That's not what I meant. You should know that by now. I've always wondered. If you see a crime happen at an Apple store, are you an iwitness? No not a fruit stand. Never mind. You think we're heading back? Oh stop whining! You're the one that thunk it! You did it to yourself. Seems like we’re pretty close. No I didn’t mean “we're pretty, close!” Did you hear any comas? We're close to the end. Would you knock it off already?! I've gotta ask you something. Something I've been trying to figure out. What's your name? Pat. That figures. Never mind. Wadn't important. Feels like we circled back already. It was over here I’m sure. Since this is where I am. Somewhere. But like I told you. Wherever I go there I am. Remember? You read "this is all in fun." I pointed out the flashing neon sign. I did apologize in advance. And told you I was bored. But! Before you go a quick word from my sponsor. I've been asked to tell you about the health benefits of eating dried grapes. I try to help out. It's all about raisin awareness. The souvenir shop is right over there. To the left. Of the right. You're other left. You stumbled again. Yes they have sparkly stuff. And more brown paper bags. Oh now you hurry.

You were too gonna jump!

Did we have fun yet?

- Published 08/18/2109